Funny Quotes

• Any book worth banning is a book worth reading.


• Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. - G.B. Shaw


• When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes. - Henry Miller


• America: The Land of Opportunism


• Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!


• Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. - David Moulton


• You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.


• If electricity is produced by electrons, is morality produced by morons?


• Gravity - It's not just a good idea, it's the Law! - NASA briefing slide


• Ignorance killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.


• Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.


• Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.


• Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.


• Hell is other people. - Jean-Paul Sartre


• Christmas is at our throats again. - Noel Coward, annual holiday card


• I don't know whether the world is run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.


• People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.


• There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright


• Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item. - unknown


• Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. - Charles Kuralt


• Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. - Robert Benchley


• I know only two tunes: one of them is "Yankee Doodle" and the other one isn't. - Ulysses S. Grant


• Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.


• It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right. - Moliere


• California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen


• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.


• We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. - Jeff Marder


• They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it. - Gracie Allen


• Do I mind if you smoke? I don't give a shit if you burn to the ground!


• Smoking areas in restaurants are like peeing areas in swimming pools.


• What is originality? Undetected plagiarism.


• Consistency is the last resort of the unimaginative.


• Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.


• The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. - Oscar Wilde?


• Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings. - George F. Will


• For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.


• Life is sexually transmitted.


• If people were meant to go around naked, they would have been born that way. - Playboy


• It's hard to work in groups when you're omnipotent. - Q., Star Trek, the Next Generation


• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. - Douglas Adams


• I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. And tomorrow isn't looking good either.


• Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.


• Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.


• A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.


• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.


• Given a fifty-fifty chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.


• IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.


• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


• He who laughs last thinks slowest.


• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


• A closed mouth gathers no foot.


• A good scapegoat is hard to find.


• Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.


• I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.


• When there's a will, I want to be in it.


• We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?


• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.


• "Criminal lawyer" is a redundancy.


• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?


• Red meat isn't bad for you. Fuzzy, blue-green meat is bad for you.


• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?